On Ambition

Where did it go? Did I lose it? I thought I had it, once. The feeling pushed me forward, the feeling eager to succeed. Not for fame, but for skill. For someone, any one (maybe even a good one) calling me up for skill. Because I knew it. I know it. But is it something greater than just skill? Is it network, is it power. Do I really want power? I seem to detest power. I want the power in someone else's hands and I am just their tool. I am afraid of what I would do with power. Would I mess it up? Would I be inconsiderate. Do I even want power, I am not sure. But is ambition the gateway to power? Ambition for what? Ambition for money, social capital, fame, clients. I want to do well at my job, but is that ambition. My job seems to be in this neat little box. I will accrue a bit of credibility with time and effort. Is that ambition? I've landed in a lock-step program that will probably reward me with just sticking with it. But is that ambition? Have I lost my ambition just by ending up where I am? What will I do to push myself outside of Fox outside of my comfort zone? Is that ambition? Pushing myself. What about comfort? Is ambition pushing yourself out of your comfort zone? I wonder if I will ever be able to push myself out of my comfort zone. Like these blog posts. I just write whatever is on my brain. No nuance, no editing, just let it flow. That is my comfort zone. To change the language, the words, the flow, that would be editing, and that feels forced. To monetize (or even try to monetize) any of these thoughts feels forced and not what this enterprise is about. What is ambition if I don't know where to go? If everything needs to stay in such delicate balance, pushing my career will disrupt one of the many shingles I jungle. Will not pushing in any direction leave me stagnant? Will the constant battle of balance leave me most wounded in the end? If I push myself, is ambition the direction to take it?